An Arkham Christmas Carol
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker is depressed at being locked in Arkham Asylum for the holiday season, but discovers that there's still plenty to smile about, especially at this time of year. Happy holidays, everyone! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**An Arkham Christmas Carol**

On the 20th of December, Jonathan Crane awoke in high spirits. True, he was presently confined in a high security mental asylum for the criminally insane, and true also that he was in no position to be freed from it anytime soon, but what did that matter? It was the official start of Christmas for him today, since it was the start of his yearly Christmas tradition – reading Charles Dickens's novella _A Christmas Carol_, one chapter a day, until Christmas.

Crane didn't broadly agree with the message of _A Christmas Carol_. Being kind and considerate towards one's fellow man was all very well in theory, but when one's fellow man were a bunch of cruel, selfish, bullying cowards, it was more difficult to put the idea into practice. But Crane enjoyed Dickens's prose – he always had done, from an early age, and he enjoyed the nostalgia of a simpler time, and he enjoyed the idea that no matter how miserable a man and his life might be, that they can be changed, no matter how old a man was. Through divine intervention in the story's case, of which Crane was not a believer, but never mind that. It was a story that always lifted his spirits and profoundly moved him no matter how many times he read it, and that was certainly something to be excited about. Especially since this year, he had a willing listener who had never heard the story before.

"Good morning, my precious," he said, stroking his pet raven Lenore, who was perched next to his bed. She cooed happily, opening her black eyes and chirping in greeting, nuzzling against his finger.

"Today is a very special day for you, my beauty," he said, dressing hastily and then holding out his arm for her to fly onto. "I've never forgotten when I first heard the story of _A Christmas Carol_. It brought a whole new meaning to the holiday I'd never even thought about before."

He whistled happily as he strode from his cell into the cafeteria of Arkham Asylum. "Johnny, you're certainly cheerful this morning," said Harley Quinn, smiling at him.

"Probably because…aw, forget it," muttered the Joker next to her, picking at his breakfast. "I was gonna make a joke and say probably because he's got a hot date with no one later, but I'm not in the mood."

"Not in the mood for a cruel joke – goodness, something must be troubling you," said Crane lightly, sitting down next to Harley.

"It's nothing serious – puddin's just depressed on account of us still being locked in this dump," said Harley, patting Joker soothingly on the back. "He thought we'd have busted out weeks ago. But they've tripled the security on his cell alone, because they know Mr. J likes to make his big break over the holidays, and now…"

"And now here we are five days from Christmas and I ain't even had time to do even a little bit of mayhem!" finished Joker, forlornly. "This is my season, Harl! The season to be jolly! The people of Gotham don't even know what Christmas cheer is without me! But these ungrateful guards seem to have forgotten that old fashioned Christmas spirit of generosity, and are determined to keep me locked up in this miserable dump over the holidays! So you explain why I should be in a good mood, Johnny!"

"Well, you can always pray for a Christmas miracle," said Crane, dryly. "Perhaps Dr. Leland will be visited by three spirits in the night, have a change of heart, and let you escape."

"Why the heck would she be visited by three spirits?" demanded Joker.

"It's just…uh…a reference," said Crane, slowly. "To _A Christmas Carol._"

"Which Christmas carol?" asked Joker. "I know pretty much all of 'em, and I can't think of a one that mentions three spirits."

"No, not a Christmas carol, _A Christmas Carol_," repeated Crane.

Joker stared at him. "And I'm surrounded by idiots!" he sighed, burying his face in his hands. "Not that I wouldn't be anyway if I escaped with Harley, but still…"

"_A Christmas Carol_, the novella by Charles Dickens," explained Crane. "You must know the story – everyone does, in one form or another. Ebenezer Scrooge, Jacob Marley, Bob Cratchit…"

"That last one sounds like a dirty joke," sighed Joker. "But I'm too depressed to make one up for it."

Crane just looked at him. "Are you honestly telling me you've never heard the story of _A Christmas Carol_?"

"Well, I know it's hard for you to believe, Johnny, but some of us have a thing called a life," retorted Joker. "Which means we don't have time to read books all day, unlike some of us who don't have a life."

"I just have never met anyone who is totally unfamiliar with the story," said Crane, surprised.

"Yeah, well, the list of people you've met is probably pretty limited," retorted Joker. "So I'm not surprised."

"If you'd like to listen, I'm reading the story to Lenore after breakfast," said Crane, feeding the raven bits of toast. "I used to read it aloud with Jervis – we'd each read different parts in different voices, but since he's not here this year…"

"If you think I'm going to miss _Christmas Carol Stave I_ Day for anything in the world, then I still deserve to be locked up in here, because I'm truly insane," said a voice from the doorway. They turned to see Jervis Tetch entering the room, beaming. "It's only the day I look forward to most out of the whole year!"

"Me too, aside from Halloween!" said Crane, standing up to embrace him. "I feel like the entire year has been building up to this! Shall we switch characters this year, or can I still read the ghosts?"

Joker looked from one to the other of them, and then sighed. "Hey, guys, here's twenty bucks," he said, handing them each a bill. "Do me, and yourselves, a favor and go out and get laid, so I can stop being annoyed at how pathetic the things that get you excited are. You can probably get a half decent hooker for twenty bucks. In fact, ask Pammie," he said, as Poison Ivy entered the room.

"Ask Pammie what?" said Ivy.

"Nothing, Pamela, Joker's just being offensive," retorted Crane, shoving the money back at him. "He's depressed, and so he's trying to ruin other people's happiness by being hurtful and petty."

"That's kinda what J does whether he's depressed or not," retorted Ivy.

"You guys shouldn't be mean to him," cooed Harley. "It breaks my heart to see puddin' like this. I've told him if he just keeps trying and doesn't give up hope, we'll find a way to break outta this dump…"

"How, Harley?" Joker demanded. "Every single exit outta this God forsaken hole is blocked, guarded, and otherwise inaccessible! I blame the Bat. He was sniffing around here a few weeks ago, poking and prying and finding out all the secret ways in and out. The lazy, selfish bastard probably wants a relaxing holiday season all by himself, so he's set out to spoil my fun, and he's done a damn fine job of it! I hope Santa brings him a lump of coal, and I hope it explodes in his face!"

"Perhaps he'll be visited by three spirits too," said Crane dryly. He stood up. "Well, if you'll excuse us, Jervis and I are just going to start reading to Lenore. If anyone would like to join us, they may."

"Ok, Professor, I hate to break it to you, but Lenore is a bird," said Joker, sarcastically. "A bird doesn't understand English, so I don't know why you're wasting your time reading a story to it."

"I enjoy it," replied Crane. "And it might do you good to hear this story, after all, Joker."

"Yeah? Is it about a guy who's locked up in some dump of a mental hospital surrounded by a bunch of lamewads, but who somehow miraculously breaks out and unleashes a heap of Christmas fun and chaos on his beloved city?" asked Joker.

"Uh…no," stammered Crane. "It's about a man who's become obsessed with selfishness and greed, and learns that life is about more than that."

"And why would it do me good to hear that story?" demanded Joker. "It sounds lame."

"Because you seem to have forgotten that Christmas is about being grateful for the things you have, rather than longing for things you do not," retorted Crane.

"Well, that's not true," snapped Joker. "It's about getting presents. And having fun. Neither of which is gonna happen in this dump."

He sighed heavily, standing up and heading back to his cell, with two armed guards following him. "Aw, c'mon, puddin', cheer up," purred Harley, leaning against him as they reached his cell. "If you just…"

But a gun was suddenly pressed against her head. "Hey, what gives?" she demanded, as a guard roughly shoved her away.

"No one but Patient Joker is allowed in Patient Joker's cell," said one of the Joker's guards, firmly. "Batman's orders."

"Batman? He ain't in charge here!" snapped Joker. "Harley's my girlfriend, and it's Christmas…"

"Batman's orders," repeated the guard. "He sees any visitor as a potential aid in an escape attempt."

"I don't believe this!" shouted Joker. "Why don't you tell that flying rodent…"

"No, puddin', don't aggravate them," said Harley. "You don't wanna end up in solitary on Christmas, do ya?"

"Kinda looks like I'll be in solitary anyway," retorted Joker. "So I don't get a conjugal visit on Christmas?"

"Batman's orders," repeated the guard.

Joker snorted. "Repressed freak," he muttered. "Just because he ain't getting any, he has to make sure I don't either."

"Don't worry, puddin' – I'll…see you at lunch," said Harley. "Try to smile, huh? That'll make everything better."

Joker growled and entered his cell, the door slamming shut after him as the guards resumed their positions. Joker sighed, folding his arms across his chest. "Should have listened to Johnny's stupid story," he muttered. "It's gotta be better than this."


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, look who's come crawling back under heavy guard," said Crane, smugly, as the Joker entered the Rec Room later. "You've missed the opening, but we can always redo it…"

"I'm here to watch TV," interrupted Joker.

"Good luck," growled Two-Face, who was seated on the sofa. "I've got the volume up at maximum, but it still don't drown those two out," he said, nodding at Crane and Tetch. "But the only things on TV are a bunch of lame Christmas specials anyway."

"Harvey, _How the Grinch Stole Christmas _is not a lame Christmas special!" retorted Joker, nodding at the screen. "It's a parable for our times, expertly narrated by the late, great Boris Karloff. See, Johnny, this Grinch guy realizes the true meaning of Christmas without visits from a buncha ghosts. That's what I like in a story – realism," he said, sitting down to watch a cartoon character dressed as Santa Claus steal presents from other cartoon characters with the help of a dog dressed as a reindeer.

Crane sighed, returning his attention to the text at hand. Despite Joker's determination to ignore him, some of the story couldn't help but seep through. Crane was reading Scrooge, and Tetch was reading Jacob Marley, who was explaining to Scrooge that he must reform his miserly ways in order to avoid being a ghost chained to the earth for all eternity. That might have been it anyway – Joker was partially listening to it, and partially listening to the song "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch."

"Why don't you nerds just shut up?!" he demanded, whirling around at last. "Human people are trying to watch TV, and we take precedent over some dumb bird listening to a story it can't understand anyway!"

"Ravens are very intelligent creatures, Joker," retorted Crane. "You never know what they can and can't understand. Lenore is particularly bright – she's very easy to train. The only difficulty is when she sees a shiny object. She's readily distracted by those, aren't you, my beauty?" he asked, stroking Lenore as he held up a paperclip to the light. She cackled happily, her eyes and head following the shining metal intently, and then flapping up to grab it. And Joker suddenly had a revelation.

"How much longer you got with the story, Johnny?" he asked, rushing over to them.

"Well, after Marley leaves, it's the end of chapter one, and so we have to wait until tomorrow to…"

"Great, I think she's got the gist of it, smart little thing like her," said Joker, seizing Lenore suddenly, who began panicking and squawking, flapping to get away. "Mind if a borrow her for a second?"

"Yes, I most certainly do!" retorted Crane, pulling her out of Joker's grip.

"Aw, c'mon, Johnny, I need it!" cried Joker. "It's my ticket outta this hellhole!"

"How do you mean?" demanded Crane.

"Just…" Joker glanced at the nearby guards, and said, "Look…let me borrow the bird for like an hour…"

"Absolutely not!" retorted Crane. "You've terrified her enough for one day! Come along, my pretty, let's get you locked up and safe from raving lunatics," he said, heading back to his cell with Tetch following.

"Takes one to know one!" shouted Joker after him. "Jerk. I hope the bird hates the rest of your stupid story!"

Unfortunately Crane didn't leave his cell for the rest of the day, so Lenore remained safely locked up with him, and Joker's plan, whatever it was, had to be postponed until at least the following day. He was running out of time, and he knew it. He lay staring up at the darkness in his cell for a long time until he finally dropped off to sleep.

He awoke in the middle of the night to hear a strange noise in his cell. He was still half-asleep and not very alert, but it sounded to him like the clink of chains. "Harley?" he muttered, puzzled. "Is that you?"

There was no response, but the clinking continued. "I'm impressed you managed to find a way into the cell, kid, but Daddy's not in the mood tonight," he muttered, yawning. "Tired, ok? Just beat it, huh?"

The rattle of the chains came closer. "I said…" began Joker, sitting up suddenly, but his eyes widened in shock when he saw that it wasn't Harley who was moving chains around. It was another, equally familiar figure.

Standing at the foot of his bed was Robin. But Robin pale and transparent, with masses of chains wrapped from his head to his foot. He didn't speak a word, and Joker just stared back at him.

"Is anyone else seeing this?" he shouted at the guards standing in front of the door. "Hey, guards? You guys see the guy standing next to my bed?"

"Shut up in there!" shouted the guard, not turning around.

Joker turned his attention back to Robin. "Must have…birds on the brain," he stammered, grinning. "What are you doing here, Birdy Boy, dressed like that? This isn't about to get kinky, is it? I ain't ever had those kinda dreams with Robin. With Batman, yes…"

"Shut up," growled Robin, suddenly. "I'm not here to listen to your mindless babbling, Joker. Don't you recognize me?"

"Sure I do, kid, you're Batsy's Boy Blunder," replied Joker, nodding. "Just…see through. Nice effect, by the way."

"I was Robin, when I was alive," agreed the figure, nodding.

"When you were alive?" repeated Joker. "You saying…you're dead now? You saying…you're a ghost?"

The figure nodded. Joker snapped his fingers. "Oh, you're the birdy I beat to death!" he chuckled. "Crowbar to the brain, ten to twenty times!"

"Yes, I am," agreed Robin.

Joker laughed. "I'm seeing the ghost of the Robin I beat to death in my cell at Arkham," he said, smiling to himself. "It's happened. I've finally gone nuts. Either that or I ate something really funny at dinner. I knew those pickles didn't taste right…"

"I have been sent to you," retorted Robin. "It's not a personal favor, believe me."

"Yeah? Who sent you?" asked Joker.

"I'm really not allowed to say," retorted Robin. "But I'm here as a warning to get you to change your ways. You've lived a life of evil, selfishness, and cruelty. I am here to show you how such a life ends," he said, holding up his chains.

"You mean you lived a life of evil, selfishness, and cruelty?" asked Joker. "But weren't you like twelve when I beat you to death…"

"I was old enough to know better," snapped Robin. "And you most certainly are. This year could be the year of your salvation, Joker, if you heed the warning I bring. You will be visited by three spirits over the next three nights. They will show you your past, your present, and your future in stark reality. And when you have seen where the road of evil has brought you, I am certain you will turn away from it. I wish I had when I had the chance. Believe me, if I thought working for Batman was tough and unfair, it's nothing compared to the stuff I do now."

"You mean the guy who runs the afterlife is more of a slave driver and control freak than Bats?" asked Joker. He sighed. "Guess I'll just have to live forever, then," he chuckled. "Well, I really appreciate you coming, kid, but I'd rather not have my beauty sleep disturbed by a buncha transparent freaks. No offense. I'm pretty aware of the road I've taken, and it's a fun one, and I'd rather have a good time in this life than worry about…"

"Expect the first ghost tomorrow night, when the bell tolls one," interrupted Robin.

"Yeah, I think I just said…"

"Expect the second ghost the night after, at the stroke of two," continued Robin, ignoring him.

"Well, if they're gonna come, couldn't they all just come at the same time…"

"The third comes and goes as he pleases," finished Robin. "Now goodbye. For the sake of my mission, I hope you change your ways. But for my own personal satisfaction, I hope you don't, and burn in hell."

"See you there, kid!" chuckled Joker, as the figure faded away. His smile dropped the moment he was alone again. "Stir crazy," he repeated. "I've gone stir crazy," he said, lying down. "Cabin fever. Locked in this dump too long. Making me see things."

He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "I gotta get my hands on that bird before it's too late," he muttered. "It's my only hope."


	3. Chapter 3

"Did anybody else eat the pickles at dinner last night?" asked Joker, entering the cafeteria the next morning. "And have visions of Robin in chains later?"

"Sounds like the kinda fetish you'd wanna keep to yourself, J," growled Two-Face. "Especially with your girlfriend right there."

"You had a vision, Mr. J?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"Yeah…a hallucination, I guess," said Joker, nodding. "Either that or it was actually a real ghost, just like it said."

"Ghost?!" repeated Harley, suddenly terrified. "You mean your cell is haunted?! Aw, criminey, and just when I had convinced myself that all the weird crap that happened at Halloween was my imagination…"

"There's no such thing as ghosts, Harley," retorted Joker. "It was just bad pickles. I'm sure 95% of all so-called ghost sightings can be explained by bad pickles, isn't that right…Professor!" he exclaimed, beaming as Crane entered the room with Lenore perched on his shoulder. Joker immediately raced over to them, draping an arm around Crane. "How did you sleep, buddy?"

"Uh…very well, thank you," replied Crane slowly, puzzled by Joker's apparent friendliness.

"And how's the pretty birdy today?" asked Joker, smiling at Lenore and reaching out a hand to pet her. "I had a visit from one of your relatives last night, sweetie…ow!" he shouted, as Lenore pecked violently at his outstretched hand.

"She doesn't like you," said Crane, bluntly.

"Why not? Has she been talking to the Weed Lady?" demanded Joker.

"Well, you did try to manhandle her yesterday," retorted Crane.

"Dames love being manhandled!" snapped Joker. "Harley can't get enough of it, can ya, pooh?" he asked, turning to her.

"I sure can't, Mr. J," purred Harley. "You wanna sneak off to the janitor's closet and manhandle me a little?"

"No chance, with the guards around," he said. "And right now I wanna see what I can do to make things up with this bird."

"Why don't you just tell me why you want Lenore, and I'll see if I'll allow you to borrow her?" said Crane.

"I can't tell you," said Joker, nodding pointedly at the guards. "But it's the only thing in the world I want for Christmas, Johnny. Please. I promise I won't hurt her."

"I don't trust your promises," said Crane. "Anyway, Lenore is busy today. We're on Chapter two of _A Christmas Carol_…"

"Aw, for Christ's sake, Johnny, I just need…" began Joker, and then he stopped suddenly. "There was…a ghost wearing chains in that story you were reading yesterday, huh?" he asked.

"Yes, there was," agreed Crane. "Glad you were listening."

Joker laughed. "That's it, then!" he chuckled. "I've subliminally allowed it to influence me to see things that aren't there! Wait, that's not good," he said, frowning suddenly. "That means I'm weak-minded! That means Obi-Wan Kenobi could have used the Jedi mind trick on me to convince me those weren't the droids I was looking for!"

Crane stared at him. "Is Jervis here yet?" he asked, turning his attention to the table at large.

"Here now!" said Jervis Tetch cheerfully, entering the room.

"Splendid! Let's continue with the story," said Crane, heading for the Rec Room.

"Johnny, please, I need it!" said Joker, racing after him.

Crane turned to look at him. "Listen to the story," he said quietly. "And I'll think about it."

"You'll think about it?!" repeated Joker. "That's like the worst parent response ever!"

"Yes, and you're like the worst child ever," retorted Crane. "Are you going to listen or not?"

Joker sighed. "All right," he muttered. "But if I get another subliminal experience from it, I'm destroying that book."

"It won't do any good – I've memorized it," retorted Crane, smugly.

Joker snorted. "Nerd," he muttered, following them into the Rec Room.

Harley skipped after him, curling into his lap as he sat on the floor in front of Crane and Tetch. The second chapter of _A Christmas Carol _consisted of a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past, admirably read by Tetch, revealing Scrooge's miserable and lonely childhood, and failed romance.

"Geez, no wonder this guy hates Christmas!" exclaimed Joker. "He's stuck at school by himself over the holidays every year, and then his girlfriend dumps him on Christmas a lotta years later! I think anyone would probably hate this season after that!"

"It's so sad, puddin'!" sobbed Harley, who had her face buried in his chest. "If only she hadn't left him, he might not have turned into the miserable guy he became! Well, I promise I ain't ever leaving you to turn miserable, puddin'!"

"Gee, thanks, Harl," growled Joker. "Because obviously that's what would happen to me if you went away. It's not like I had a happy life before you or anything…"

"I thought you didn't remember anything about your past," said Crane, puzzled.

"Not before the accident," agreed Joker. "But I remember the good old days when it was just me and Batsy, before we both got weighed down with a lotta sidekicks and hired help. Good times," he sighed, beaming. "Wish there was some way to get 'em back. Maybe if I cut my face off and then begin targeting members of the Bat family in some sort of convoluted plot…"

"You're not cutting your face off, puddin'," snapped Harley. "So stop talking about it! What would I do without your beautiful face?" she cooed, stroking his chin.

Joker shrugged. "Put it on another guy?" he suggested. "Maybe Deadshot or someone?"

Harley looked at him in confusion. "That's just stupid, Mr. J," she retorted. "Honestly, I may be crazy, but I ain't dumb!"

"Did you enjoy the second chapter, Joker?" asked Crane. "Keen to hear more?"

"I'll let you know after tonight," retorted Joker. "Now how about handing over that bird?"

Crane smiled. "I'll let you know after tonight," he repeated, striding off to his cell.

"I'm starting to really not like him," muttered Joker, gazing after Crane. "If only I had something valuable to trade him for…"

He looked at Harley. "Hey, Johnny, wait up!" he called, racing after him. "I'll trade you the bird for Harley!"

"What?" demanded both Crane and Harley.

"Ok, hear me out," said Joker, holding up his hands. "I get an hour with that bird, and you get an hour with Harley, to do whatever you want, no questions asked. Harley will be happy to submit to anything you desire, won't you, pumpkin pie?" he asked, tilting her chin up.

Harley slapped him hard. "I most certainly will not!" she snapped. "You can't just pimp me out to people, Mr. J!"

"Harley, I gotta get outta here!" cried Joker. "It would really help me out! You always said you'd do anything for me because you love me! Well, now it's time to prove your love!"

"I ain't gotta prove my love!" shrieked Harley. "And Johnny wouldn't want me anyway, would ya, Johnny?" she demanded.

Crane stared from her to Joker. "Well, I…that is…of course I wouldn't want…goodness, this is a difficult question to answer, isn't it?"

"All right, two hours with Harley," snapped Joker. "You drive a hard bargain. But it's a deal, right? Pumpkin?"

Harley slapped him again. "You jerk!" she shrieked. "You mean, selfish, horrible jerk! I hate you, Mr. J! I hate you!"

She raced off sobbing. "C'mon, Johnny, shake on it and she's all yours!" said Joker, beaming.

"You're a disgusting excuse for a human being," muttered Crane, returning to his cell. "And that is not making me more inclined to trust Lenore with you."

"Why not?! I'm being generous!" shouted Joker after him. He sighed. "Is everyone in this place nuts?" he muttered, returning to his own cell. "I mean, I know we're in an asylum, but that don't mean everyone's gone crazy, do it?"

When night came, Joker dropped off into a fitful sleep. And awoke hours later to a slight cough by his bedside. "Oh, come to apologize for acting like a spoiled baby, have you, Harl…" he began, rolling over, but it wasn't Harley who stood there. It was Jervis Tetch.

"Hatty? What are you doing here this late?" asked Joker. "And how did you get into the cell?"

"I am not Jervis Tetch," replied the figure, in Tetch's voice. "But I am appearing to you in a suitable and recognizable form. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past."

"…Right," said Joker slowly. "Knew he wasn't cured – Dr. Leland shoulda kept him locked up," he whispered under his breath. "So what can I do for you, Ghosty?"

Tetch held out his hand. "Take my hand," he said. "I have much to show you."

"Uh…in case you haven't noticed, we're locked in a high security cell," retorted Joker. "There's no way out – believe me, I've looked."

"Take my hand," repeated Tetch insistently. "And we shall go to a place without locked doors and padded cells. We shall take a trip to a Wonderland bound only by the imagination, and the chains of memory."

"Well, that sounds delightful," said Joker, smiling. "But I gotta tell ya, my memory ain't the greatest…"

"That's why I'm here," retorted Tetch, grabbing his hand without further ado. There was a blinding flash of light, and then Joker opened his eyes to see him and Tetch standing…in a padded cell.

"I thought you said we were getting outta here!" shouted Joker, rounding on Tetch angrily.

Tetch shrugged. "Apparently your memories of Christmases past also occur here," he retorted. "That they are what they are, do not blame me."

Suddenly, they heard a soft, low chuckle from a corner of the cell, and Joker turned to see…himself.

He blinked, but the other Joker remained, bound in a straightjacket and sitting in the corner, laughing to himself. He suddenly began singing "_Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel, and the Joker got away!_"

"Yes, very funny," growled a soft voice, as the door to the cell suddenly opened, and Batman entered. "You've been singing that all night. Time to change the tune, don't you think?"

Joker shrugged, grinning. "It's an oldie but goodie, and still funny after all these years. So why change it?"

"You never get tired of your jokes, do you?" said Batman, standing over him with his arms folded across his chest.

"Do you?" chuckled Joker.

"Yes," said Batman, firmly.

Joker laughed. "Nah, you don't," he giggled. "If you did, you'd stop playing along. You'd stop fighting me, and just accept what we both know. You're as crazy as I am. The only difference is I got a sense of humor. But you don't accept that. You act like you're still some important, awe-inspiring figure for justice. You take yourself so seriously, Bats! If you really were tired of me telling the same jokes over and over, you'd laugh at least once."

"I don't think your jokes are very funny," retorted Batman.

Joker shook his head. "No sense of humor, like I said," he replied.

He kicked something toward Batman. "Merry Christmas," he said, nodding at the small parcel wrapped in a pillowcase. "I got you something."

"The last Christmas present you got me was a cream pie to the face," growled Batman. "It wasn't funny either."

"It was hysterical!" giggled Joker. "All the traps, all the fighting and planning, broadcasting my own TV special, all just to give you a pie in the face! Tell me what's not funny about that?"

Batman bent down to pick up the object. "Did you get me anything?" pressed Joker. "It would be rude of you not to, y'know, when I went through all this effort."

Batman nodded slowly. "I did," he said, reaching into his belt. "It's not actually a Christmas present though," he continued, unfolding a picture and shoving it at him. "I need to know where you've hidden her body," he muttered. "For the sake of her family. Retrieving her remains will give them some kind of closure this Christmas."

Joker chuckled. "I didn't hide her body anywhere," he giggled. "I wouldn't do that. She has such a pretty face, and now she's got an even bigger smile! I want the whole world to see it!"

"Why did you kill her?" asked Batman. "She didn't do anything to hurt you…"

Joker sighed. "You ain't got a sense of humor at all, do you?" he muttered. "She was doing a big Christmas charity benefit to raise money for starving children."

"Yes. And?" asked Batman.

"And now she's dead!" he chuckled. "Those kids may be starving, but they've still lived longer than she did! C'mon, it's a hilarious!"

"It's sick and cruel," retorted Batman. "Now tell me where her body is."

Joker made a face. "I'll be honest, Bats, her family would probably be happier not seeing her like this. She's gonna have to be identified by her dental records, if you know what I mean."

"Why?" whispered Batman. "Why would you mutilate her?"

Joker shrugged. "I started a work of art and got carried away. So sue me. See, I'm just like you, Bats."

"I have never mutilated anyone…" began Batman.

"You mutilate me all the time," retorted Joker. "And lots of other people. Do ya really need to beat us into bloody pulps night after night? Or is that just fun for you? Does that just get you off somehow? It does to me too, I ain't gonna lie," he chuckled.

"You didn't…violate her body, did you?" asked Batman, slowly.

"Oh God, no!" retorted Joker, looking genuinely offended. "What kinda sicko do you take me for, Batsy?!"

"The kind who murders and mutilates a young, attractive woman…" began Batman.

"But I wouldn't…Jesus Christ, I thought you knew me better than that, Bats!" snapped Joker. "I may be crazy, but I ain't perverted!"

"I wouldn't be surprised," retorted Batman. "I've never seen you with a woman…I'm not even sure you're into women…" He trailed off into an awkward silence.

"Did you bring some mistletoe?" chuckled Joker, beaming. "Because I'm up for it if you are, Batsy!"

"Forget it," growled Batman, turning to go. "If you won't tell me where the body is, I don't even know why I'm wasting my time. Christmas brings out the worst in people, and there's a lotta scum out there…"

"I can see the spirit of the season touches you, Bats!" chuckled Joker. "But ain't ya gonna open your Christmas present?"

Batman looked down at the small parcel in his hand and slowly removed the pillow case. It contained a severed hand.

"Now if I know you, you'll be able to find some traces of dirt or oil or something that'll lead you to the rest of her body," chuckled Joker. "Merry Christmas, Batbrain!"

Batman sighed heavily, heading for the door. "I'm into women," said Joker. "In fact, I'm currently doing a shrink here."

"Yes, very funny," muttered Batman, opening the cell door.

"It's true, Bats!" exclaimed Joker. "No joke!"

Batman turned to look at him. "If any doctor in this place is crazy enough to be romantically involved with you, then I'll buy you a real Christmas present next year," he said, sarcastically, slamming the door behind him.

"And he did!" said the Joker from the present, turning to Tetch and beaming. "It was a book – one of those self-help, preachy ones about turning your life around. But it's the thought that counts, and I beat a guard to death with it, so it wasn't a total loss."

"Did this scene bring back any memories for you, Joker?" asked Tetch. "Or make you feel remorse? Regret? Anything?"

"Well, it made me think that I need to arrange another little present for Batsy once I bust outta here," said Joker. "But otherwise, no, not really. Was it supposed to?"

"Looking back on your behavior then, you don't find it slightly appalling?" asked Tetch.

Joker shrugged. "It was a joke," he replied. "Can't expect you to understand either, Tetchy, you ain't got a sense of humor."

Tetch held up his hand suddenly. "Wait. This scene is not yet over."

A few minutes after Batman left, the cell door opened again, and a young woman wearing glasses and a labcoat entered. "How are you feeling today, Mr. Joker?" she asked loudly, adjusting her glasses.

"They're making you work over Christmas?" demanded the Joker, ignoring her question. He whistled. "That's low, toots, I gotta say."

"Uh…no…that is…I volunteered to work over Christmas," murmured the doctor, smiling at him. "Y'know, it's important to spend the holidays with the people who are…important to you," she whispered, sliding her hand up his leg.

He giggled. "If you don't keep your voice down, you little minx, the guards are gonna hear," he whispered.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Joker," she said loudly, beaming as she untied the straps on his straightjacket. "But you're right, we should have some privacy for our session."

She went over to the guards. "Mr. Joker doesn't talk about his feelings while there are other people present," she said, sternly. "Please leave us. I'll fetch you when you're needed."

"But Dr. Quinzel, Dr. Leland said…" began one.

"Dr. Leland said she wanted the Joker cured," interrupted the doctor. "I believe I know how to do that, and you're standing in the way."

The guards shared a look and then shrugged, heading off down the corridor. The moment they were gone, the doctor turned back to the Joker, grinning and undoing the buttons on her blouse. "Well, Mr. J?" she breathed, pulling her long, blonde hair out of its tight bun. "You wanna try this new, experimental therapy?"

"I'm all up for experimenting, baby," he whispered as she came over to him and threw her arms around his neck. "Have you been a naughty or a nice girl this year, Harley?"

"Mmm, very, very naughty," murmured the doctor. "You gonna spank me, Santa?"

"No, baby, I'm gonna come down your chimney," he whispered, grinning. "A couple times, in fact."

She giggled and kissed him, pressing him down on the floor of his cell.

"I think we've seen enough," said Tetch, waving his hand.

"Aw man, it's just starting to get good!" cried Joker as the vision faded.

"Did you learn anything from that scene?" pressed Tetch.

"Yeah. Harley used to be a lot more attractive," sighed Joker. "And my relationship with her has been going on a helluva long time. Might be time for a change…"

"No!" shouted Tetch. "It's meant to show you how important your relationship with Harley is, and how you should treat her better in future!"

"What for?" demanded Joker. "She likes being humiliated! You heard her – she's a naughty girl!"

"Joker, you're supposed to learn lessons from these visits!" snapped Tetch. "There has got to be something meaningful you can take away from the two scenes you've witnessed!"

"No, there ain't!" snapped Joker. "Because my life ain't meaningful! It's just a series of jokes and violence and fun, and I like it that way! And I intend to keep it that way, so you can just take your lessons and shove them up your…"

There was another blinding flash of light, and present Joker was once again alone in his cell at Arkham. "Yeah! And tell your other spirit friends to stay away!" he shouted at the wall. "I ain't some protagonist in some random story! I'm the Joker, and I don't learn lessons! And I don't have a character arc! And I don't…like Nazis!"

"Shut up in there!" shouted his guard.

Joker lay back down, pulling the pillow over his head and trying to get back to sleep. "Well, I don't," he muttered.


	4. Chapter 4

"J, you look terrible," said Poison Ivy frankly, as Joker entered the cafeteria the next morning.

"Yeah, you're no piece of work yourself, Weed Lady," snapped Joker irritably. "I dunno what all the guys see in you – guess they don't have to look at you without your makeup every morning. Guess nothing does but a buncha plants."

Ivy punched Joker in the face. Joker tried to retaliate, but the guards were upon him in an instant, restraining him and forcing him to sit down at the table.

"Why the foul mood, J?" asked Two-Face, tucking into his breakfast.

"For your information, I didn't sleep very well last night," retorted Joker. "Had an unwelcome late night visitor."

"Well, I guess it's good that you and Harley have made up though," said Two-Face.

"It wasn't Harley," snapped Joker. "It was Tetchy."

"O…K…" said Two-Face, slowly. "Won't Johnny be jealous?"

"Jealous of what?" asked Crane, entering the room with Lenore.

"That J spent the night with Jervis," said Two-Face.

"Oh, for God's sake, we're not a couple!" snapped Crane. And then the realization of what Two-Face had said hit him. "Wait, what?" he asked.

"No, it wasn't like that!" snapped Joker. "I've been having a lotta hallucinations over the past few nights – I blame it on being locked up in an insane asylum. Anyway, my latest vision was Tetchy showing me my experience of a past Christmas, and calling himself, of all things, the Ghost of Christmas Past…"

"You're having hallucinations based on the story I've been reading?" said Crane, surprised and pleased. "That's wonderful! It means it's been subconsciously influencing you in some way!"

"Yeah, and it needs to knock it off!" retorted Joker. "Don't creative works come with like a warning label? Danger: may sink into your mind and influence your perception of reality. I think the government needs to look into that. I'll recommend it to them once I bust outta here."

He seized Crane's hands. "Now Johnny, I've given this a lotta thought, and I've decided that you can have Harley for twenty-four hours. A whole, entire day, to do with as you please. Anything you please, no matter how messed up and perverted – in fact, Harley might enjoy it that way…"

"Joker, I am not agreeing to take advantage of your girlfriend in exchange for my bird," retorted Crane, pulling his hands away. "Especially when it's against her will."

"I told you, Johnny, she may act all difficult, but she'll do anything to help me out," said Joker. "She loves me, y'see."

"And so you're going to take advantage of that love to ask her to do a horrible thing?" demanded Crane.

"Hey, don't be so hard on yourself," chucked Joker. "You ain't a horrible thing, Johnny."

"I mean prostituting herself for you," snapped Crane. "You cannot seriously be so heartless as to ask that of her, and I cannot be so despicable as to accept. Unlike some people here, I have a moral compass."

"Yeah? Does it tell you to frighten masses of innocent civilians to death?" asked Joker. "Because I think it's probably broken if so. It's fine, though – you don't need one. Mine's been broken for years."

"That's what Harley says," muttered Ivy.

"Good morning all!" said Jervis Tetch, entering the room at that moment.

"Beat it, Hatty, I've seen enough of you last night!" retorted Joker.

"Were you here last night, Jervis?" asked Crane.

"Last night? No, I spent the evening with my goddaughter…" began Tetch.

"I knew the pedophile rumors were true!" exclaimed Joker, triumphantly.

"Not spent the evening in that way," growled Tetch.

"Yes, and I wouldn't go pointing fingers at other people, Joker," said Crane. "You're the one who dreamed about him, after all."

"It wasn't a dream!" snapped Joker. "It was a hallucination! That's a totally different thing!"

"You hallucinated about me?" stammered Tetch, looking uncomfortable.

"Yeah, don't feel flattered," retorted Joker. "It was the Boy Blunder before you. Obviously I'm hallucinating on a theme of loser. I wonder who it'll be tonight, assuming someone won't be a pal and lend me his bird so I can bust outta here."

"What is he talking about?" asked Tetch.

"How should I know?" sighed Crane. "Nothing he ever says makes any sense."

Harley entered the room at that moment, saw the Joker, and promptly left without another word, and only an angry glare in his direction.

"A whole twenty-four hours with that, Johnny!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "You can't beat it! Just check out that ass!"

"Are you seriously intending to pimp Harley out?" demanded Ivy. "That's sick."

"Not as sick as sleeping with plants," retorted Joker. "Or children."

"I'm not…" began Tetch.

"What I want to know is _why _I'm hallucinating on a theme of loser," continued Joker. "I get that it kinda follows this story that's subconsciously influencing me, but why do I associate losers with my past, present, and future?"

"Doesn't take a shrink to figure that one out, does it, J?" asked Ivy, lightly.

"What do you mean?" demanded Joker.

"I mean you should consult Dr. Leland if you don't know," retorted Ivy. "But it's obvious to me."

"Yeah, good idea, Weed Lady," said Joker, nodding. "Maybe a shrink could help explain these visions, and then maybe they'll go away. Where's Harley? Harley?" he called, looking around.

"She's mad at you, remember?" asked Ivy. "I don't blame her."

Joker sighed. "Women – always moody for no reason," he muttered. "I'll see Dr. Leland instead then, if I must. Hey, guards, mush!" he said, heading out the door under heavy escort.

"Joker, I think your subconscious is manifesting itself in this way to send a message to your conscious mind," said Dr. Leland, after she had listened to the Joker's story.

"No kidding, Doc," snapped Joker. "But I don't get what this message is."

"No? So far you've seen the Robin you murdered in chains, and Jervis Tetch. Tetch is now a free man, and Robin is dead, which is a kind of freedom."

"You're saying it's telling me I wanna be free?" demanded Joker. "I already know that!"

"Or it could mean something else," continued Dr. Leland. "It could mean that you see yourself chained to Batman. You're seeing Robin in chains because you feel like Batman's sidekick, but chained to him, so an involuntary one with no escape in sight."

"But…"

"Or it could mean that you see your supervillain persona as something in your past that you need to let go of, as Jervis has. You envy him his freedom, not only from Arkham and insanity, but from the endless cycle of failure your persona entails. You're questioning your own identity being locked away in here, without any chance of mayhem. Who is the Joker without his jokes?"

"Well, which interpretation is it?" asked Joker.

Dr. Leland shrugged. "Could be any, all, or none. It's open to debate."

"What's the good of shrinking if it can't even give you a straight answer?" demanded Joker.

"The interest is in the variety of possibilities, Joker," replied Dr. Leland. "I'm sure you wouldn't understand. You, after all, spend night after night fighting the same man with the same tactics and the same result…"

"Hey, I let him win, all right?" snapped Joker. "It'd be no fun if I won – then the game would be over forever! Jesus, didn't your mother ever tell you that life's not about winning or losing, but how you play the game?"

"And how _do _you play the game?" asked Dr. Leland.

"Hysterically," retorted Joker, firmly.

"That's not what I'm getting from your subconscious," said Dr. Leland.

"Then maybe_ you_ need to get your head examined, Doc," snapped Joker. "Anyway, you don't even know which interpretation is right, so don't pretend to give me advice! I know what's what!"

"Right," said Dr. Leland, sarcastically. "Well, I look forward to hearing all about your hallucination tonight."

"Yeah," sighed Joker. "I can't wait to see which loser visits me next."


	5. Chapter 5

Joker awoke as before in the middle of the night for no discernible reason. "All right – who is it?" he asked of the darkness. "Continuing on a theme of loser, I'm betting Nygma."

It was, however, Poison Ivy who suddenly appeared from the shadows. "Or Pammie," said Joker, beaming. "That'll work. At least it's in keeping with the theme."

"I am the Ghost of Christmas Present. Christmas Past told me about you," snapped Ivy. "But no more Ms. Nice Ghost. I'm going to make sure you learn your lesson tonight."

"Oh, I like a dame who talks rough!" replied Joker, grinning. "And wait until real you hears that you spent the night with me! But then I always kinda knew you had a thing for me…"

Ivy cut him off with a punch to the face "Ow! Jesus, toots, for a ghost, you got a mean punch!" exclaimed Joker, rubbing his chin.

"I told you, Joker, no crap with me," growled Ivy. "Just good, old-fashioned Christmas guilt. Let's go."

She seized his wrist and a second later, they had left the cell and were standing in what appeared to be a dirty, abandoned old warehouse.

"It's my current hideout!" exclaimed Joker. "Which means any second now we should be greeted by the…"

"Babies!" shrieked a voice, as a pair of hyenas came racing toward Joker and Ivy. Joker held out his arms, but the hyenas passed right through him, heading for the open door where Harley stood with open arms, and another Joker standing behind her.

"Well…this is weird," said Joker, patting himself down. "Not only the double over there, but the whole being run through thing…"

"These are only shadows, Joker," said Ivy. "As we are to them. They are the shadows of Christmas Present. Assuming you aren't locked up in Arkham, this is how your Christmas Day will go."

"Sure glad we busted outta that dump in time for Christmas, Harl," said Present Joker, petting Bud and Lou.

"Yeah, it wouldn't have really been Christmas without the babies," agreed Harley, cooing over them as they licked her, wagging their tails happily.

"But we'd better hurry if we wanna get this place all Christmasified before the day's over," continued Present Joker. "Why doncha do that while I make preparations for the Big Christmas Caper, Harley?"

"Sure thing, puddin'!" said Harley, skipping over to a crate with the hyenas trailing behind her. She began pulling out box after box of Christmas decorations, and then paused as a thought struck her.

"Puddin'!" she exclaimed, turning to him with an expression of horror on her face.

"What?" snapped Present Joker, who had been about to head off to his study.

"We ain't got…a Christmas tree!" she gasped.

"Barbaric custom," muttered Ivy.

"What?" asked Real Joker, turning to her.

"Nothing – I'm not supposed to judge," growled Ivy. "I've been warned about that."

"You know, for the spirit of Christmas Present, you ain't very jolly," said Real Joker.

"Yeah. Some joke, huh?" snapped Ivy.

"I guess," muttered Real Joker, turning back to the vision. "Ain't that funny, though."

"Hmm…that is a dilemma," agreed Present Joker. He snapped his fingers. "I know! Ask the Weed Lady to loan you one of hers! She must have about a million spare Christmas trees lying around!"

"She doesn't believe in them, Mr. J," replied Harley. "She says they represent a mad campaign of botanical genocide that grips this country every December."

"Cheerful as always," sighed Present Joker.

"Boy, you said it, pal," agreed Real Joker.

"What?" snapped Ivy.

"Nothing," retorted Real Joker.

"Well, don't you worry, pooh," said Present Joker, smiling at Harley. "Daddy will find a Christmas tree."

"Can I come with, puddin'?" asked Harley, skipping over to him and cuddling against him.

"I guess," sighed Present Joker. "We'll go as a family. C'mon, boys!" he called, whistling at Bud and Lou.

"We're following you," said Ivy, grabbing Real Joker's arm and dragging him after them. "Naturally being the Joker, you're not just going to go to a regular Christmas tree lot and pick one up."

"Nah, the good ones will all have gone anyway," said Real Joker, shrugging. He grinned. "But I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to do. I mean, it's me, right? And who in all of Gotham is gonna have the biggest and best Christmas tree in town?"

"Really?" asked Ivy, as Present Joker, Harley, Bud and Lou stopped outside the gates to Wayne Manor. "You're gonna steal a Christmas tree from Bruce Wayne?"

"I am going to ask a wealthy gentleman to enter into the spirit of the season and donate his beautiful evergreen to the less fortunate," retorted Real Joker, nodding. "And if he ain't in the mood to be generous, I'm gonna tie him up and take it anyway. It's what Jesus would do!" he added, chuckling.

Present Joker rang the doorbell. "May I help…" began Alfred, but his normally imperturbable face fell when he saw Joker, Harley, and their hyenas standing on his doorstep.

Joker whistled again, and Bud and Lou leapt on Alfred in an instant, pinning him down and chuckling happily.

"Merry Christmas, Jeeves!" exclaimed Present Joker, beaming down at him. "You look after the boys now, and remember – a mutt is for life, not just for Christmas!"

He cackled to himself as he made his way down the hall with Harley skipping after him. "Now if I were a Christmas tree, which one of the many rooms of this place would I be hiding in?" asked Present Joker, looking around at the vast array of doors. "Eeney, meeney, miney, mo!" he exclaimed, pointing at one and heading through it.

"Jackpot!" he said, beaming, as they entered a room with a towering Christmas tree, and mountains of presents underneath. The room also contained an antique sofa, and seated on this was Bruce Wayne and socialite Veronica Vreeland, both of whom stared at Joker and Harley with a mixture of shock and horror.

"What the hell are you doing here?" demanded Bruce Wayne, rising suddenly, his eyes blazing in fury. "You're meant to be locked up in Arkham!"

"Yeah, like that dump could ever hold me!" chuckled Present Joker. "Anyway, it's Christmas! In the spirit of the season, they gave me some time off for good behavior! I _am _sorry to interrupt though, Brucie, and I'll be outta your hair in a jiffy. I've just come for one tiny thing, and then I'll leave you to your…woah!" he gasped, noticing Veronica for the first time. "How ya doing, toots? I'm the Joker," he said, adjusting his bowtie and grinning at her. "Bruce is a lucky guy, to be stuffing those stockings tonight!"

"Mr. J, stop flirting with her!" hissed Harley, glaring at Veronica angrily.

"I'll do what I wanna!" snapped Present Joker. "You don't own me! I can see why you're interested in the Rich Boy, sweetheart, but it seems to me you might like a real man to show you why it's better to be naughty than nice at this time of the year," he said, grinning at her. "You wanna beat it and go grab some chestnuts by the fire, if you get what I'm saying?"

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, furiously. "I'm right here!"

"Yeah, why doncha beat it, you useless waste of space – you're cramping my style!" shouted Present Joker, rounding on her. "All I want for Christmas is a hotter dame, and I can't pick one up with you clinging to me like last year's used wrapping paper!"

Harley gaped at him, and then let out a sob and raced from the room. "So I'll just be taking the tree and the girl…" began Present Joker, when he was cut off with a hard punch to the face by Bruce Wayne.

"Hey…Brucie…I'm just…complimenting…your taste!" gasped Joker, as Bruce continued to beat him to a pulp. "Where's…Harley…when I need her! Harley! Harl…"

Bud and Lou raced into the room at that moment, jaws snapping as they pounced on Bruce. Present Joker took advantage of the distraction to head for the door. He turned to Veronica and made a "call me" sign before racing out of the room.

"Boy, that Bruce Wayne has got a mean punch," he said to himself as he rushed to his car. "Kinda like Batman…"

Harley was already in the car. As he tried the handle, it was locked. "Harley, open the door!" shouted Present Joker, banging on the window.

"Why doncha get your new girlfriend to do it?!" shrieked Harley.

"Aw, c'mon, baby, she means nothing to me!" he shouted. "It was just a joke!"

"It's not funny, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley.

"Can we discuss this back at the hideout, pooh?" said Present Joker, glancing behind him. "Only I kinda wanna get going…"

Harley glared at him and then whistled loudly. Bud and Lou came racing out the front door and jumped through the open car door. Present Joker was about to follow when Harley slammed it shut and then drove off.

"Harley! Get back here! Harley!" shouted Present Joker, racing after the car. "Harley! This isn't funny! Christmas is a time for peace and generosity, which means not abandoning your boyfriend at Wayne Manor with Bruce Wayne after him! Harley! Aw, Christ!" he swore, looking around for another ride. One of Bruce Wayne's many cars was parked in the driveway, and Present Joker took the opportunity to hotwire it.

"Get in," snapped Ivy, grabbing Real Joker and throwing him into the backseat. "Have you learned anything from watching yourself yet?"

"Yeah. If I wanna flirt with another dame, don't bring Harley along," retorted Real Joker. "Lesson learned, I guess."

"That's not the lesson," growled Ivy.

"It's _a _lesson," said Real Joker.

"Will you both shut up?" demanded Present Joker, rounding on them.

"…I thought you said he couldn't see us," said Real Joker, slowly.

"Yeah, she don't know what she's talking about," retorted Present Joker. "Just like a dame – wrong about everything. Do me a favor and glance out the back and see if anyone's following us, will ya?"

"So what are you gonna do about Harley?" asked Real Joker, when they were far enough from Wayne Manor to be sure nobody was following.

Present Joker shrugged. "I dunno. What do you do when she's being unreasonable?"

"Same as you, I guess," replied Real Joker. "Stand back and wait for it all to blow over. It will in a couple days, I'm sure, and she'll be fawning over you as usual."

"Yeah, that's true," agreed Present Joker. "Good plan."

"You're a horrible excuse for a human being," growled Ivy. "If you love a woman, you have to show her. Prove it to her."

"Nah, I'd rather stay here telling jokes with myself," retorted Present Joker. "Hey, what do you call a forgotten Christmas gift? The Ghost of Christmas Present!"

Both Jokers laughed heartily. Ivy glared from one to the other of them, and then seized the steering wheel.

"Woah, toots, what are you doing?" demanded Present Joker.

"We're going after Harley," growled Ivy. "You're going to show her how much you really love her. I am not letting this vision end until you do that, and I don't have a lotta time left, so hang on to your hats, boys!"

"Hey, watch it!" shouted Real Joker as Ivy wove the car in and out of the oncoming traffic. "Can I die in this reality if it's not really real? Now there's a question I never thought I'd ask myself…"

"And it's a question I don't know the answer to," retorted Present Joker. "Along with the nature of my own existence."

"Y'know, toots, things are a lot less confusing if you don't force visions on people in the hopes of making them learn lessons," said Real Joker.

Ivy ignored him. "Brake, brake, brake!" shouted Present Joker, but it was too late. They slammed into the back of Harley's car, halting it, and the surrounding traffic.

"What…the…hell…are…you…thinking?!" shrieked Harley, opening the door and storming over to their car. "The babies are in the back, you selfish jerk! You could have killed them, and me!"

"Yeah, like I would have cared," muttered Present Joker, stepping out of his own car. "Anyway, it wasn't me – it was the Ghost of Christmas Present."

"What the hell are you talking about?!" shrieked Harley.

"Take a look," snapped Present Joker, holding open the door to the driver's seat. Harley looked into the car, and then rounded on Present Joker.

"You nuts?! There's nobody in there!"

"What, you mean you can't see 'em?" demanded Present Joker. He rolled his eyes at Real Joker. "God, she's a dumb blonde!"

"Tell me about it," retorted Real Joker.

"Mr. J, you'd better come up with an amazing explanation for rear-ending me like that!" shouted Harley.

Both Jokers snorted. "Oh, c'mon, she's walked into that one," chuckled Real Joker.

"Yeah, it's too tempting to resist," laughed Present Joker. "I thought you enjoyed being rear-ended, baby. That's what you said last night, anyway."

Harley glared at him, and then struck him a colossal punch across the face.

"You walked into it!" protested Present Joker. "How was I supposed to resist that?!"

"You're a horrible, disgusting, sick, evil excuse for a human being!" shrieked Harley, continuing to pummel him mercilessly. "You heartless, selfish, cruel monster!"

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, toots!" snapped Present Joker, trying to fend off her blows.

"Yeah, and so will my fist!" screamed Harley.

Present Joker retaliated, kicking Harley away from him and knocking her onto the kerb, right into the bucket of a Santa collecting for charity. The coins flew everywhere.

"Now look what you've done, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley. "How will the starving kids get fed now?! You're gonna pick up every penny, you hear me?!"

"Make me, kid!" shouted Present Joker.

Harley pulled out a gun. "Yeah…that might do it," said Present Joker, looking around slowly. "Help me out here, pal, would ya?" he hissed, turning to Real Joker.

"What do you expect me to do? She can't even see us," retorted Real Joker. "And we're like ghosts here, so we're not even real, so I dunno how we can help really…"

"Ok, kid, I'm gonna pick up those pennies," said Present Joker slowly, approaching her. "Just let me bend down here and…"

He slammed the bucket up suddenly, hitting Harley in the face and making her drop her gun. Present Joker seized it and pulled the trigger just as Harley knocked it upwards. The bullet sliced through a string of Christmas lights above them, sending a hanging Santa sleigh crashing toward the ground. Harley jumped out of the way just in time, grabbing the loose string of Christmas lights and swinging around on them to kick Present Joker in the back of the head and knocking the gun from his hand.

Bud and Lou leapt out of the car at that moment, racing toward Present Joker and Harley. Bud sank his teeth into the back of Present Joker's tailcoat and pulled him away from Harley, whom he had in a headlock, while Lou seized Harley by the back of her leg and began tugging her away.

"Baby, get offa Mommy!" screamed Harley, fighting against him. "Mommy needs to kill Daddy now!"

"Yeah, Mommy don't stand a chance against Daddy!" shouted Present Joker, pulling against Bud's grip. "Lemme at her!"

The hyenas shared a look, and then suddenly released their hold on both of them, sending them flying into each other and colliding with a mutual cry of pain.

"You clumsy broad!" shouted Present Joker, cupping his nose. "Why are you so goddamn useless?!"

"And why are you so goddamn ungrateful?!" shouted Harley, wiping her bleeding lip with tears in her eyes. "Everything I do for you all year, and you can't even be loving and affectionate at Christmas time! Sometimes I think you don't love me at all!"

"And sometimes I think you're the dumbest dame alive!" shouted Present Joker.

"Then you must be the dumbest man alive for putting up with me!" yelled Harley.

"Guess I am!" agreed Present Joker. "You stupid, worthless, annoying waste of space!"

He launched himself forward, knocking Harley to the ground. "You're getting blood all over me, you twisted freak!" shrieked Harley.

"And you're getting blood all over me, you dizzy blonde!" shouted Present Joker. "You're getting blood everywhere! Blood…everywhere…"

He stared down at her, and she stared up at him, breathing heavily. And an instant later, their mouths were pressed together in a passionate kiss.

"Seriously?" asked Ivy, turning to Real Joker. "That's what you call romantic?"

Real Joker shrugged. "What can I say? Make me bleed and I'm all yours! Batsy knows that, doncha, Batsy?"

He held out his arms to the figure diving into the scene, the figure that flew right through him and rushed to separate Present Joker and Harley before things could escalate. Or at least, that was the intention, but Bud and Lou pounced on him before he reached the couple, pinning him down.

"Thanks, babies!" called Harley.

"Merry Christmas, Bats, and a Happy…whatever," breathed Present Joker, turning his attention back to Harley.

"We're getting out of here now," growled Ivy, grabbing Real Joker.

"Why are you ghosts so uncomfortable with sex?" demanded Real Joker. "Is there no action in the afterlife?"

"We're not here to watch action," snapped Ivy, as the scene melted away and they were once more in the Joker's cell. "We're here to learn lessons about your life in order to change your behavior in the future!"

"Thought you were concerned with Christmas Present, toots," retorted Joker.

"My job is to make sure you understand how damaging your life presently is to everything and everyone you come into contact with…" began Ivy.

"Hey, it had a happy ending!" snapped Joker.

"Nothing about that ending is happy!" shouted Ivy. "You and Harley are trapped in a violent relationship…"

"Which we both enjoy," interrupted Joker. "So what harm does it do?"

"You go around killing and maiming people for fun!" snapped Ivy. "You spend your days and nights plotting and executing violent, senseless crimes…"

"So do you!" snapped Joker. "And they're not senseless! They make perfect sense to me!"

"This season isn't about you!" shrieked Ivy. "It's about generosity, and thinking of others!"

"It's about merriment, and there's no one merrier than me!" retorted Joker. "It's _my _season, toots! Mine and no one else's! Mine, to have fun and go on murderous rampages and give the people of Gotham something to smile about!"

"It's like talking to a brick wall!" hissed Ivy, throwing up her hands. "I'm this close to punching you in the face!"

"Go ahead, toots, you know you wanna make me bleed," said Joker, grinning. "You know what it does to me."

Ivy punched him hard. "That's it, I'm done," she snapped. "I'm leaving you in the care of the final spirit, the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. He'll talk some sense into you, if no one else will. Or beat it in anyway."

"Yeah, good luck, toots!" shouted Joker as she faded away. "I ain't scared! I ain't scared of nothing! I ain't afraid of no ghost, and I ain't afraid of…"

He turned suddenly to come face to face with Batman. "Batsy? You're the Ghost of Christmas Future?" Joker said, beaming. "Well, this'll be a laugh riot! I can't wait to see what kinda great lessons we're gonna learn together! But you're a busy guy this time of year – like the anti-Santa. How did you get stuck with this gig?"

Batman just looked at him, arms folded across his chest in silence. "Not in a chatty mood, huh?" asked Joker. "That's fine – I'll do the talking. Glad I finally got rid of that loser theme - for a while there I was worried that maybe my sub-basement or whatever it's called was associating me with losers for some reason, but now that you're here, I know that ain't the case. Not that you'll ever be as cool as me, of course, but at least you got a fashion sense with the cape and all…"

Batman clapped a hand over his mouth, and then seized his arm. A second later, the cell had disappeared and they were once more in a large warehouse, where another Joker sat, looking over some blueprints while Rocco, one of the Joker's longest and most loyal henchmen, stood next to him.

Future Joker nodded at last, putting down the plans. "This'll do nicely, Roc. How soon can the parts get here?"

"They're already on the way, boss," said Rocco.

"Good. I don't like waiting, and neither do they, especially around Christmas time," said Future Joker, lighting up a cigar. "You've never seen a greedier, needier, clingier pair in your entire life. Gotta love 'em, though."

"Yeah, boss, you do," agreed Rocco, nodding.

"All right, pair!" exclaimed Real Joker, turning to Batman. "You mean in the future I dump Harley and hook up with a hot pair of twins? Harvey will be so jealous! This is great! What an amazing…"

"Daddy!" shrieked a voice, and Real Joker turned with a start to see two small children, a boy and a girl, racing toward him. He was too stunned by the sight of them to respond before they ran through him and into the waiting arms of Future Joker.

"Leenie! J.J.! There you are!" he exclaimed, picking them up and kissing them. "Has Daddy got a Christmas surprise for you!"

"D…Daddy?" stammered Real Joker. He was too shocked to say anything, for which Batman allowed himself a small, grateful smile.


	6. Chapter 6

"What's the surprise, Daddy?" asked J.J. "Is it Santa? Has he come early?"

"No, kiddo, the Big Man in Red is never early," replied Future Joker, ruffling his hair fondly. "He'll be visiting tonight as usual though, and leaving tons of presents for you both to unwrap tomorrow morning because you've both been such good little tykes this year, haven't you, princess?" he asked, picking Arleen up and giving her an Eskimo kiss.

Arleen giggled happily. "Snow!" she said, pointing out the window.

"That's right, princess – look at it all come down!" exclaimed Future Joker, holding her up to the glass.

"Will Santa still be able to come in all this?" asked J.J., standing on his tip-toes to look out at the steadily falling flakes outside.

"Sure he will, J.J., he's magic," retorted Future Joker. "That means he can do whatever he wants. Kinda like your Daddy," he chuckled, kissing the top of his son's head.

"Santa?" asked Arleen, pointing outside again. While her twin brother was capable of forming full sentences, Arleen only spoke one word at a time, and had difficulty pronouncing certain words. But that was only natural for a two-year-old.

"No, not yet, princess," cooed Future Joker. "Anyway, you won't see him, even if you stayed up all night and waited by the chimney. Don't do that, by the way. But then just because you can't see him don't mean he's not there. Crazy way of thinking, maybe, but then who am I to judge?"

He picked up J.J. in his other arm. "C'mon, let's go with Uncle Rocco and see how your surprise is coming along. It's being set up now, just like the jokes Daddy tells."

"Punchwine!" exclaimed Arleen, clapping her hands. The letter 'L' was especially difficult for her to pronounce, and so all of her 'L' sounds came out as 'W's.

"That's right, princess!" said Joker, beaming happily. "The most important part of a joke is the punchline! You're such a clever little girl! You certainly don't get that from your mother," he muttered, heading toward the door with Rocco following. It shut, leaving Real Joker and Batman alone.

"But…but I don't understand!" stammered Real Joker, turning to Batman in horror. "How can I be a father? It's not possible! I mean, of course it _is _possible, but…but…I don't…she wouldn't…protection…whoopie cushion…"

Batman clapped a hand over his mouth again, so he wouldn't have to hear more, and pointed toward the door, indicating that they follow. Real Joker obeyed him in a daze.

"Still…they are a cute little pair, ain't they?" he asked, as he followed Future Joker and his children down the hall. "Take after their Daddy, you can tell. Chip off the old block."

"Wow!" exclaimed Arleen, as Rocco opened the front door to the warehouse to reveal a bunch of the Joker's henchmen hard at work building a life-size snow fort.

"Cool!" said J.J., jumping up and down. "Can we have a snowball fight in it, Daddy?"

"You can do whatever you want, J.J., as usual," said Future Joker, patting his head. "But if you're going to throw snowballs, make sure you throw them at the henchmen and not at your sister."

"Sure thing, Daddy," said J.J., nodding.

"Puddin'! You ready?" asked Harley, pulling on her coat and looking pointedly at him.

"Oh…yeah. So, kiddies, you stay here with Uncle Rocco while Daddy and Mommy go…run some errands," said Future Joker, slowly. "Check out your new snow fort, huh?"

"Ok, Daddy," said J.J.

"And I know we already wrote our letters to Santa, but why don't you tell me one more time what you want most for Christmas," said Future Joker, kneeling down. "J.J.?"

"I want a gun, Daddy," said J.J.

"A toy one?" he asked.

"No, a real one," said J.J., firmly.

"Any particular type?" asked Future Joker. "You got your handguns, your shotguns, your automatics, your semi-automatics, your…"

"Whatever you think is most fun, Daddy," replied J.J.

"That'll be the semi-automatics," said Future Joker, nodding. "And what does my little princess want?" he asked, turning to Arleen.

"Unicorn!" said Arleen, happily.

"You already have a lotta toy unicorns, sweetness," said Future Joker. "You got a cuddly one, and one for your dollies to ride, and a pink one, and a purple one…"

"Real!" exclaimed Arleen.

Future Joker stared at her. "You want a real unicorn?"

"Unicorn," repeated Arleen, resolutely.

Future Joker sighed. "All right. What my princess wants, my princess gets," he said, pinching her cheek. "C'mon, Harl, we'd better go. Rocco, keep an eye on the kids until we get back from shop…" He paused. "From…shucking some corn," he finished, slowly.

"Sure thing, boss," said Rocco.

"Bye bye, angels," said Harley, kissing both her children. "You behave for Uncle Rocco."

"And enjoy your snow fort!" said Future Joker, waving at them as they headed for the car.

"I don't like leaving the kids, puddin'," said Harley, glancing back at her children in worry. "But we've left the Christmas shopping as late as we could, and I don't trust any of the henchguys to do a good enough job…"

"Yeah, it's gonna take a miracle worker like myself to get Leenie a real unicorn for Christmas, what with them not being real and all," said Future Joker, nodding as he climbed into the driver's seat. "Still, I ain't got the heart to disappoint her, so I'll have to figure something out. Guess we'd better stop off at the pet store first and see what they got."

"Are we getting in the car with me and Harley or staying with the kids?" asked Real Joker, turning to Batman.

Batman held up one finger, and pointed to the children. Then he held up a second finger, and pointed to the car, finally holding up a third finger and pointing back to the children.

"If I can read Bat-language, that's stay and watch the kiddies first, then follow us, then head back to the kiddies," said Real Joker, nodding. "Ok. Don't know what I'm meant to be learning from this though," he said, as Arleen and J.J. began exploring the snow fort.

"Look, Leenie, it's got a drawbridge that really works!" said J.J., as the wooden entrance to the snow fort lowered for them.

"Drawbridge," repeated Arleen, nodding as she followed him inside.

"Now kids, don't go wandering too far ahead," said Rocco, hastening after them and drawing up the bridge. "Your parents will kill me if anything happens to you. Literally."

"Don't be silly, Uncle Rocco," said J.J., making his way slowly up the ice-carved steps. "Mommy and Daddy wouldn't ever kill anyone. They're too nice."

"Nice," repeated Arleen, nodding.

"Yeah…nice," agreed Rocco, slowly. "Sure they are. Like a pair of cuddly hyenas."

"Yeah, and hyenas are nice," agreed J.J. "You know how sweet Bud and Lou are. It'll be nice to have them back, once Mommy and Daddy pick them up from the spa."

Bud and Lou had been captured by Batman during the Joker's last encounter with him, and had been confined in the Gotham City Zoo, although Joker had told his children they had gone to a spa for animals. Rocco had no doubt that Joker and Harley's Christmas shopping would include a trip to the zoo to break out and bring home their faithful pets.

"Wow, look at the view!" cried J.J. as they opened the trapdoor and stood on the top of the fort, gazing around in awe. "You can see all of Gotham from here!"

"High," said Arleen, looking over the edge.

"It sure is, Leenie," agreed Rocco, pulling her away from the edge. "So stay away from there, huh?"

"Men," said Arleen, pointing over the edge.

"Yeah, the henchmen are down there," agreed Rocco. "See, they're…"

He paused, looking over the edge. The henchmen were indeed down there, but instead of adding snow to the fort, they were all lying down, as if they had suddenly been knocked out. Or fallen asleep…

And at that moment, he felt something sharp in the back of his neck, and pulled out a small dart. "Oh…no," he gasped, but the poison was swift, and in an instant he was out cold, leaving Arleen and J.J. alone in the snow fort.

"Uncle Rocco? Uncle Rocco!" said J.J., shaking him. "It's not time to sleep!"

"Freaks!" said Arleen, pointing behind them. J.J. turned to see two costumed figures standing on the roof of the snow fort. One of them raised a communication device to his mouth.

"Batman, this is Nightwing and Robin. Operation Christmas Miracle is go. We have the Joker twins alone. How should we proceed?"

"Bring them back to the Batcave," said the voice on the communicator. "We'll be able to relocate a new home for them from here, where they can have real parents."

"Understood," said Nightwing, lowering the device and aiming the dart gun at Arleen and J.J. "Don't worry, kids – this won't hurt a bit."

"Leenie…I think we should…" began J.J.

"Duck!" shouted Arleen, shoving her brother to the ground as Nightwing fired the dart gun, missing him.

"Get inside!" cried J.J., leaping to his feet and pushing his sister back down the stairs. They slammed the trapdoor shut with a colossal joint effort, and panted heavily as they heard Nightwing and Robin banging against it and trying to find a way inside.

"Who…are they?" gasped J.J.

"Bad," replied Arleen.

"Yeah, you can tell that by the way they dress," agreed J.J. "Nobody who wears a mask is ever a good guy. Anyway, we can't let them take us away from Mommy and Daddy. We have to keep ourselves safe and keep them outta here. But how?" he asked, looking around.

Arleen pointed to the snow-covered ground. "Snowbaws," she said, firmly.

J.J. grinned. "Snowballs," he agreed, picking up a handful of snow and beginning to roll it.


	7. Chapter 7

"Oh my God, we gotta help them!" exclaimed Real Joker, turning desperately to Batman. "We gotta call somebody! Future Me, or Harley, or the police, or Batman, or…wait not those last two."

Real Joker started forward, but Batman seized his wrist. "Hey, what gives?" he demanded. "I gotta protect my future kids!"

Batman released him suddenly and Real Joker marched over to where Robin and Nightwing were examining the trapdoor. "Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!" he shouted, raising his fist. He brought it down to collide with the back of Nightwing's head…and it went right through.

"Aw no, we're back to that shadow rule!" cried Real Joker, continuing to futility try to punch Nightwing, who obviously didn't notice him. "With people not being able to see or hear me! This is all your fault, Bats! Pammie was willing to let me slide in the hopes of me learning my lesson! Should've known you'd be more of a stickler for rules than she is, like the Order Nazi you are!"

Batman grabbed his arm again, pulling him away. "Y'know, Bats, that's real low," said Real Joker, scowling at him. "Sending your kids to kidnap my kids on Christmas Eve! What kinda sick mind thinks that's a good thing to do? Where's your festive spirit?"

Batman ignored him, nodding over his shoulder. Joker turned to see that the scene had changed to a pet store, with his future self standing in front of the counter arguing with a salesperson.

"Listen, if I don't get my hands on a real unicorn for my little girl, Christmas will be ruined, and it'll all be your fault!" shouted Future Joker.

"But…Mr. Joker, sir…there's no such thing as a real unicorn," stammered the terrified shop assistant. "They don't exist…"

"Oh, you're one of those!" snorted Future Joker. "If it don't exist, it's not real! You small-minded, insignificant, hide-bound chump! I'll be damned if my kiddies are bound by stupid limitations like that!"

"My word, that sounds almost like nonsense," said a voice. They turned to see Jervis Tetch standing behind them, petting a white rabbit.

"Beat it, Hatty – unless you can make these people find me a unicorn, you're useless to me," retorted Future Joker.

"I admire your optimism in trying to achieve the impossibility of acquiring a real unicorn," said Tetch, nodding. "I personally make it a habit to believe in six impossible things before breakfast. But it is after breakfast, you know, so I daresay your attempt is rather futile."

"Do you think a hamster or a gerbil would be better, Jervis?" asked Jonathan Crane, appearing from an aisle carrying two cages. "I confess I can't really tell the difference."

"Better for what?" asked Harley.

"Oh, I promised I'd buy my daughter a pet for Christmas," sighed Crane. "Katrina specified a pony, but there's no way I'm getting her that."

"So you're going to pass her off with a rodent, huh?" asked Future Joker, glancing into the cages and making a face. "Not aiming for Father of the Year, are ya, Johnny?"

"It would be ludicrously impractical for me to buy Katrina a pony," snapped Crane. "We haven't any place to keep it, so we'd have to pay for a stable, and then we'd have to get her riding lessons…"

"Oh, blah, blah, blah," said Future Joker, waving his hand. "If I can get my kid a unicorn, you can get yours a pony."

Crane stared at him. "How are you getting her a unicorn?" he asked.

"Well, not with the help of these shop assistants, I can tell you," retorted Future Joker.

"I'm buying my goddaughter a white rabbit," said Tetch, nodding at the animal in his arms. "Perhaps your daughter would settle for something more practical like that…"

"My daughter doesn't settle!" interrupted Future Joker. "And she ain't practical – she takes after her Daddy!"

"And her mother," agreed Crane, nodding.

His phone rang at that moment. "Excuse me," he said, answering it. "Hello, love? Yes, I'm at the store now. I thought a hamster or a gerbil or…no, the pet store. No, of course I'm not…but my angel, it would be utterly impractical to buy her a pony! We can't possibly afford…yes, love. Yes, love. Yes, love, but…yes, love. Yes, I'll go…find a stable, love. Yes. All right. I love you too. But are you sure…yes, love. Ok. Bye."

He hung up the phone and cleared his throat. "Lovely seeing you all," he said, putting down the cages. "But I'm afraid I must be off to peruse some ponies and stables."

"Got the whip cracked over ya, huh, Johnny?" asked Future Joker. "Your kid don't need a pony – she could just put a saddle on you! I tell ya, I'm glad I ain't under the thumb of some pushy broad…"

"Puddin', we should call Rocco," interrupted Harley. "We've been gone a whole ten minutes and I'm worried about the kids."

"Ten minutes, you dumb blonde?!" retorted Future Joker. "What could possibly have happened in ten minutes?!"

"Just call him!" shrieked Harley.

Future Joker sighed, reaching for his phone. "He's not answering," he muttered.

"Why not?" asked Harley, instantly panicked. "Do you think something's happened?"

"He's probably just busy looking after them," retorted Future Joker. "You of all people know what a handful they can be – he probably don't have time to answer his phone."

"No, he'd answer his phone – he ain't like you – he don't like to see me worried," continued Harley, her panic increasing. "Something's wrong – we gotta head back right now…"

"But we ain't got this unicorn!" exclaimed Future Joker. "Or the gun, or Bud and Lou…"

"Puddin', right now!" shrieked Harley, rushing out the door.

Future Joker swore and raced after her. He turned at the door. "If you ain't got a unicorn when I come back, it won't be funny!" he shouted.

"Gotta admire my determination," said Real Joker, beaming. "Now let's go save my kiddies!"


	8. Chapter 8

"They're two years old, Dick!" shouted Robin. "This shouldn't be hard!"

"Well, they're smart enough to stay out of sight," retorted Nightwing, who was still crouched on the roof. "And this fort is basically impenetrable. Locked up tighter than Bruce keeps the keys to the Batmobile."

"I wonder who Bruce is," commented Real Joker, as he and Batman stood by, watching the scene unfold. Nothing had happened since they had returned – Robin and Nightwing were still searching for a route inside the fort, and Arleen and J.J. hadn't re-appeared.

"Just give me a second, Tim, I'm almost through," said Nightwing, who had been digging a hole near the trapdoor. "Once I get through the snow, I should be able to lift the…there!" he exclaimed, reaching his hand through the hole and pushing the trapdoor open from below.

Nightwing started forward, but Robin seized his arm. "Are you sure it's smart just to walk in there? What if it's a trap?"

"They're two years old," retorted Nightwing. "What could they possibly…ow!" he shouted, as he walked down a couple steps, and his foot was suddenly impaled by an icicle. He jumped back up, only to step on a few more.

"Dammit, how the hell did they think to…" began Nightwing, retreating back up to the trapdoor. "We'd better jump down, Tim, and avoid the steps altogether. Those icicles are everywhere."

"Gotcha," agreed Robin. He jumped straight down to the ground, and immediately slipped on ice, losing his balance and falling on his back.

"Hang on, Tim, I'll be right…" began Nightwing, as he flew down, but he slipped on ice too as he landed next to him. They noticed that the whole floor was a solid sheet of smooth ice, surrounded by sharp icicle points which threatened to catch them if they slipped.

"They're only…two years old," repeated Nightwing, slowly, picking himself up and helping Robin to his feet.

"I guess we should have expected Joker and Harley's kids to be like Joker and Harley," muttered Robin. "Clever, resourceful, and evil."

"Talk about Children of the Damned," agreed Nightwing, looking around carefully as he creeped slowly through the fort. "Still, blood doesn't determine your destiny. There's no reason why they can't still have a chance for a normal, good, decent life, assuming we can get them away from the maniacs as quickly as possible…"

He stumbled suddenly, falling onto the ice and sliding forward, stopping just inches from the point of a icicle burying itself in his eye. "On the other hand, maybe it's already too late," he muttered, getting up slowly. "Maybe the whole evil genius gene has already taken hold…"

"Dick, over here," said Robin, beckoning him forward. "There's a bit without ice here," he said, nodding at a small patch of ground covered in wooden planks. "Guess the henchmen were gonna do something with that wood, but thank God they didn't. At least we can get a firm footing in this death trap waiting to happen…"

They both cried out as the planks suddenly gave way to reveal a pit dug into the snow, just big enough to make it difficult to climb out of. "At least…there are no icicles at the bottom," growled Nightwing, struggling to his feet. Robin pointed upward, his face falling in horror.

"Snowballs," he gasped.

"Wha…" began Nightwing, but he was cut off as a huge net of snowballs dropped from the ceiling suddenly, burying them up to their necks in snow.

As they spat out snow and struggled to free themselves, they saw Arleen and J.J. step into the light, idly throwing and catching a snowball each.

"Eat snow, freaks!" shouted J.J., beginning to pelt them with snowballs.

"Freaks!" repeated Arleen, joining her brother.

"How are we being…beaten by two-year-olds?!" shouted Robin.

"I dunno…but I'm not telling Batman about this!" shouted back Nightwing.

J.J. held up his hand, and they paused in their assault. "All right, freaks, talk," he snapped, standing over them with his hands on his hips. "Why are you trying to kidnap us?"

"You wouldn't understand, kid," retorted Robin. "You're two years old."

"I think you'd be surprised at what I understand," snapped J.J. "Kid," he added, folding his arms across his chest.

"Look, J.J., is it?" asked Nightwing. "Why don't you just help us out of this pit and we'll talk, huh?"

"I don't talk to criminals," retorted J.J.

"Actually, that's what we kinda wanna talk about," said Nightwing, slowly. "I mean, you know criminals are bad people, right?"

"Yeah. Criminals like you," retorted J.J., nodding.

"And like…your parents," said Nightwing.

"You're a liar!" shouted J.J. "Mommy and Daddy ain't tried to kidnap anyone!"

"If you would just let me explain…" began Nightwing.

"No! You're a criminal, and a liar, and I don't wanna hear another lie come outta your mouth!" shouted J.J., resuming his barrage of snowballs.

"That's enough, J.J.," said a voice. They all turned to see Future Joker slowly approaching them. Harley raced past him and grabbed both of her children, holding them protectively against her and covering them with kisses.

"Well, what an unexpected surprise!" said Future Joker, beaming at Robin and Nightwing. "Two birds with one stone! To what do I owe this Christmas visitation?"

"We're here for the children," growled Nightwing. "It's for their own good…"

"Did Batsy tell you that?" chuckled Future Joker. "You boys should know he's the last person in the world who knows what's good for children."

"Joker, it's not right," snapped Nightwing. "They have to know the truth about you two…"

"What truth?" demanded J.J. "What's he talking about?"

"Tell them, or I will," said Nightwing, firmly.

Future Joker ripped out his gun. "You say a word and I'll be killing two birds with one bullet!" he hissed. "I should shoot you both in the head and send you back to Bats roasted like a Christmas turkey!"

He drew his gun away slowly. "But I think I'd prefer you to give Bats a message," he continued. "He don't mess with my kids. Not at Christmas, and not ever. If he tries, it won't be funny. It won't be funny at all. And I'm not joking about that."

Rocco appeared in the doorway, rubbing his skull. "Roc, get the birdies outta this pit and dump 'em somewhere where Bats can pick 'em up," said Future Joker, escorting Harley and his children out of the snow fort. He turned to beam at them both again. "And have a Merry Christmas, and a very Happy New Year!"

"Daddy, what did he mean?" asked J.J. "About the truth?"

"Truth?" repeated Arleen, gazing up at her father in confusion.

"Look, I'll…tell ya later, ok, kiddies?" said Future Joker, looking uncomfortable. "Now you go inside and your Mommy will make you hot cocoa in front of the fire. Daddy just has to finish running those errands."

"Should have killed those kids," muttered Real Joker, watching Rocco dig out Nightwing and Robin. "Guess I get soft in my old age. How disappointing."

Batman nodded behind him, where the scene had changed to one later that night. Arleen and J.J. were sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping hot cocoa with their mother. The door opened and Future Joker entered the room, gesturing behind him. "Here's an early Christmas present for you, kiddies!" he exclaimed, as Bud and Lou raced inside, wagging their tails and licking Harley and the children affectionately until they curled up happily in front of the fire. Future Joker shared a look with Harley, and then sat down in front of his children, clearing his throat.

"Uh…look, kids," he began, slowly. "What that weirdo today was saying about the truth…well, you're still a little young to understand but…I guess if you wanna know, you deserve to."

"Is it that there's no Santa, Daddy?" asked J.J.

"Santa?" repeated Arleen, sadly.

"What? No! Of course there's a Santa!" cried Future Joker. "Who else do you think brings you presents tonight?"

"I thought maybe…you did," stammered J.J.

Future Joker looked at him. "Do you think I can find your sister a real unicorn?" he asked.

J.J. shook his head. "Course I can't!" exclaimed Future Joker. "But Santa can! Cause he's magic! If there's a unicorn underneath the Christmas tree tomorrow morning, then you'll know the truth, won't you?"

J.J. nodded. "But if that's not the truth he was talking about, what is it?"

Future Joker sighed heavily. "Ok. Uh…I dunno how to begin with this, really…uh…you know in stories you've got good guys and bad guys?"

"Yeah," said J.J., and Arleen nodded.

"Well, in this particular story, that is…in real life…there are good guys and bad guys too," continued Future Joker. "And your Mommy and me, well…we're…uh…the bad guys."

J.J. stared at him. "You mean you lose?" he asked.

"Mostly," agreed Future Joker. "There's only one way I've really won, and that's by having you kiddies. Most of my other schemes and plots tend to fail."

"But does that mean…you do bad things?" asked J.J. "You commit crimes and hurt people?"

"God, how do I explain this?" sighed Future Joker, running his fingers through his hair. "It's all a joke, y'see. That kinda stuff is funny, y'know, like the cartoons you watch, when the anvil gets dropped on the coyote, or the duck gets shot by the hunter. I mean, that's hysterical, right?"

Both children nodded.

"Well, violence is hysterical in real life too," said Future Joker. "I mean, some people say it isn't, but they ain't got no sense of humor. And…look…sometimes bad isn't…all bad. I mean, it all depends on how you look at it. And even bad people…can be good sometimes. I mean, bad people can love people, and that's not bad, that's good, that's…" He broke off with a sigh. "I ain't explaining it very well," he muttered. "But the point is, a lotta people out there think we're bad people. They think…we ain't good parents. And they think you both would be better off away from us."

Both Arleen and J.J. were silent. Then Arleen giggled, "Punchwine!"

"Leenie's right," said J.J., smiling and nodding. "This is a joke, ain't it, Daddy? Or else those people are just really stupid. You and Mommy are the best parents in the whole world. And I don't believe you're the bad guys. You're good to us, so you just can't be bad. That doesn't make any sense. You ain't bad. You won't ever be to us anyway."

"Good," agreed Arleen, pointing at Harley. "Mommy good. Daddy good."

"Nice joke, though, Daddy," said J.J., grinning. "You, a bad guy? That's a real killer."

Future Joker beamed at his kids. "It sure is, ain't it?" he said, picking them up and kissing them both. "Now you two head off to bed so Santa can visit. Try to go straight to sleep, and no peeking!"

Harley followed them upstairs to tuck them in. Future Joker let out a sigh of relief. "Close one," he said to himself.

"Sure was," agreed Real Joker. "Thank God I'm not a sincere kinda guy."

"Boy, you said it, buddy," agreed Future Joker, nodding at Real Joker.

"Oh…can you see me now?" asked Real Joker, looking from Batman to Future Joker. "Is it allowed now, _mein Batmeister_?"

"Nah, he's gonna be pretty upset, but I need your help," said Future Joker, nodding at Real Joker. "Any ideas on where I can find a real unicorn?"

"It's a toughie," agreed Real Joker, as Batman glared from one to the other in a mixture of rage and confusion. "You know any mad scientist types who wanna mess with the laws of nature and create some sort of unicorn-style abomination?"

"Not off the top of my head," replied Future Joker. "Anyway, it'd probably take a while to make one…" He trailed off, a slow smile spreading over his face. "Unless…"

He grabbed his hat and coat. "Thanks, buddy, gotta go!" he cried, racing out the door.

"Oooh, I can't wait to see what I've come up with!" cried Real Joker, turning to Batman and beaming. His face fell as Batman just glared at him. "I can…see what I've come up with, right? You're gonna let me see Christmas morning, right? Please, old buddy, old pal? I'll be your best friend…"

"Have you learned any lessons yet?" growled Batman.

"Oh, you _can _talk!" exclaimed Real Joker, surprised. "Well, sure I have! I've learned that you're a persistent devil, even on Christmas Eve. I've learned that your little sidekicks can get their asses kicked by two-year-olds. I've learned that my kids take after their Daddy. I've learned…"

"Have you learned anything that could possibly make you grow and change into a better person?" interrupted Batman. "Even the smallest thing?"

Real Joker was silent. "Sure I have," he muttered. "I've learned…that if Harley…and my kids…can love me the way they do…how bad can I really be?"

Batman buried his face in his hands. "No, no, no!" he shouted. "You _are _bad, and you need to change…"

"Why?" demanded Real Joker. "I'm happy enough, and it looks like I'm still gonna be pretty happy in the future! Why would I change any of that?"

"Is being happy the only thing that matters to you?" demanded Batman.

Real Joker stared at him. "I want you to look at me closely and then ask me that question again," he retorted. "I'm the Joker, Bats! Of course that's all that matters, aside from the jokes! God, you just don't get it, do you?"

"No, you're the one who doesn't get it!" snapped Batman. "But if all three of us can't convince you of that, you clearly never will. I'm taking you back to Arkham, and I am never, ever going to try to change anyone ever again."

"Good resolution," agreed Real Joker. "But before you take me back, can I please see Christmas morning? I mean, one more chance to learn this big lesson, right?"

Batman sighed heavily, but waved his hand, changing the scene again.

"Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!" shrieked Arleen, racing down the stairs and throwing open the door to the living room, with her brother on her heels. They both shrieked in delight at the pile of presents almost as tall as the Christmas tree.

Future Joker and Harley entered the room, looking very sleepy but happy, followed by Bud and Lou, who shared the twins' excitement. With a nod from their parents, Arleen and J.J. pounced on the presents, tearing open the wrapping paper with the help of Bud and Lou. Their faces lit up in happiness at every gift they unwrapped, until the huge pile was gone. J.J. was happily loading his gun, but Arleen looked around forlornly, despite the toys scattered around her.

"What is it, sweetness?" asked Future Joker, noticing the confusion on her face.

She gazed up at him with her mother's big, blue eyes. "Unicorn?" she asked, hopefully.

Future Joker beamed. "Come outside, princess," he said, picking her up. Harley, J.J., Bud, and Lou all followed as he opened the door to the backyard.

There was a light snowfall, which coated the yard pure white. And standing in the middle of the yard, tied to a tree, was a unicorn.

"Unicorn, unicorn, unicorn!" shrieked Arleen, jumping up and down in excitement. She raced over to it, squealing in happiness, with J.J. following.

"How did you do it, puddin'?" asked Harley, astounded.

"Simple, sweets," he said, draping an arm around her. "The kids reminded me last night that life ain't about what's true or false, or real or unreal. It's about believing in what you want to be real. The truth is whatever you make it. And while the truth is I might have just got a white pony and tied a horn on its head with white string so it blends in, to Leenie's eyes, it's a unicorn. And that's what matters. Who cares about the truth?"

Harley smiled at him. "Thank you, Santa," she whispered, kissing him.

"Guess there really is a Santa, huh, J.J.?" asked Future Joker.

"Guess so," agreed J.J., nodding.

"Now, c'mon, princess," said Future Joker, helping Arleen up onto the unicorn. "Let's take you for a ride."

"Are you crying?" asked Batman, turning to Real Joker.

"No," snapped Real Joker, wiping his eyes. "Made you look, though, didn't I?"

Batman sighed again. "Let's get you back to Arkham," he muttered. "You've wasted the time of four spirits. I hope you're happy."

"C'mon, you can't tell me there's much else to do in the afterlife," retorted Real Joker. "Otherwise you'd just go around minding your own business instead of sticking your nose in where it don't belong in the hopes of reforming people. But then you've always been a busybody, Bats. You really need to find a hobby. I hear macrame's nice…"

But the Joker suddenly realized that he was talking to himself, alone in his cell once more. His smile fell as he glanced out the window at the clock in the tower of the old mansion, which had just begun to toll midnight. He sighed heavily, curling up in bed.

"Merry Christmas to me," he muttered.


	9. Chapter 9

"Merry Christmas, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, as the Joker entered the cafeteria under heavy escort. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him. "In the spirit of the season, I've forgiven you for…" she began.

"Yeah, yeah, thanks, Harl," interrupted Joker, pushing her out of the way and looking around. "Johnny here yet?"

Harley instantly grew furious. "You dumb jerk!" she shrieked, striking him across the back of the head. "You treat me like crap day after day, but I have the generosity to forgive you for that, and you don't even care! You take me for granted, you use me, you abuse me, and you're completely apathetic about it!"

"I don't care if I'm apathetic," retorted Joker. He grinned. "Best joke I ever told…ow!" he shouted, as Harley punched him in the face.

"No more, you hear me?!" she shrieked. "This is the last year I'm putting up with you! It's over, Mr. J! It's over forever! I never wanna see you again!"

"Hey, that's great, Harl," said Joker, nodding. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out," he added, patting her bottom. "Johnny!" he exclaimed, racing over to Crane as he entered the room. "Merry Christmas to ya, buddy!" He embraced him heartily. "I just wanted to give you the compliments of the season, and to thank you for saving my life."

"Saving…your life?" repeated Crane, puzzled.

"Oh yeah. That story you read totally changed me," said Joker, nodding. "I was visited by three spirits, and shown my past, present, and future, and I learned that life is what you make of it. And so far I've wasted mine in self-absorption and slapstick humor. But I'm a changed man, Johnny, honest, and it's all thanks to you and Mr. Dickend."

"Dickens," corrected Crane.

"That's what I said," retorted Joker. "Get your mind out of the gutter. I've certainly got mine outta it, I can tell you. No more jokes, inappropriate or otherwise. From now on, I just wanna live an honest, sincere, good life."

"Well, this is…unexpected," stammered Crane. "But wonderful news."

"Ain't it just?" said Joker, beaming. "Anyway, as a little thank you, I'd like to do something for you. A favor. You name it, I'll do it. I know, how about I volunteer to clean your cell for you?"

"Oh…well…my cell isn't that dirty…" began Crane.

"Course it ain't – you're a tidy, meticulous kinda guy," said Joker, beaming. "But I could do a little dusting and sweeping, maybe scrub down the toilet, feed the bird…"

"So that's it," interrupted Crane. "I should have known. You just want to get to Lenore for that reason you still won't tell me about…"

"No, Johnny, I swear!" exclaimed Joker. "On my mother's grave! I was visited by three spirits and learned valuable lessons about myself! I'm a changed man!"

Crane glared at him. "If you've seen the future, why don't you tell me about it?" he demanded.

"Sure thing – you're married to some pushy broad and you've got a daughter who wants a pony for Christmas," replied Joker. "Which you buy for her, because you're a pushover."

Crane stared at him. "I'm…married?" he stammered.

"Yeah, to a bossy dame," repeated Joker, nodding. "Better you than me, buddy."

"I don't believe you," retorted Crane.

"Hey, you gotta have more faith in yourself, Johnny," replied Joker, smiling. "You're quite a catch. If I was a dame, and was into the skinny, nerdy type, you'd be top of my list."

"Change him back, Johnny – nice Joker is just scary," muttered Two-Face, passing him on his way to the table.

"Look, Joker, I don't know what game you're playing…" began Crane.

"No game, Johnny!" exclaimed Joker. "Not anymore! Changed man, remember? Here, as a gesture of my goodwill, here's a little Christmas present for you," he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out five hundred dollar bills. "That'll buy you a lotta fear gas. Now lemme clean up your cell, huh, buddy?"

Crane looked from him to the money, and then took it. "You have one hour," he muttered, heading for the table.

"Did ya hear that, boys?" asked Joker, turning to the guards and grinning. "I'm gonna do my pal Johnny a favor! Let's head to his cell!"

Lenore had been sleeping peacefully when the cell door slammed. She woke in confusion, expecting to see Crane, but began squawking in panic when she saw it was the Joker who faced her.

"All right, calm down, birdie," whispered Joker, kneeling down in front of her. "I ain't gonna hurt ya. I know you don't like me, and I don't like you, but if you help me out this once, I'll be outta your hair forever. How's that?"

Lenore studied him carefully, and then chirped. "I'll take that as a yes," muttered Joker. "Okay, Nerd Bird, let's talk."

To the guards monitoring the Joker, he was indeed doing what he had promised Crane – he fed Lenore, then began sweeping and dusting around the cell, humming Christmas carols as he did so. They shared a look of confusion as he began scrubbing the toilet and whistling, but while it seemed unusual, it was hardly suspicious.

What the guards didn't notice was Lenore hopping down from her perch, and gently fluttering up to the bars on the door, waist level with them. They didn't notice her carefully remove the keys from their belt with her beak, and then suddenly fly into the air, right past the faces of the guards, keys jangling.

"Hey, get that bird!" shouted one of the guards, and several of them raced after her, leaving two to guard the Joker. He continued whistling as he suddenly jammed the toilet brush into the toilet, and then flushed, causing it to clog and the water to overflow into the cell.

"Aw, you're making a mess!" exclaimed one of the guards, opening the cell door and heading over to the Joker. It was the last thing he ever said.

Joker seized his head and slammed it down into the toilet, holding down the struggling guard with one hand as he choked on the water and grabbing his gun in the other. He shot the other guard before he realized what was going on, grabbed a gun in each hand, and then raced out of the cell block.

Lenore had flown into the cafeteria and straight into Crane's arms, dropping the keys in his lap. "What on earth..." began Crane, but the guards burst in a second later.

"Get those keys!" shouted one, but several shots rang out, and they all slumped to the ground, to reveal the beaming face of the Joker, holding a smoking gun.

"Merry Christmas, everyone!" he exclaimed. "I got you a Christmas breakout! And you thought I didn't care!" he chuckled. "Harley, catch!" he shouted, throwing a gun at her.

"You think I'm gonna break out with you?!" shrieked Harley, furiously, grabbing the gun and throwing it back at his head. "I ain't going anywhere with you, you heartless, selfish monster! I'm staying here!"

"Harley, think for a second about what you're saying," said Ivy. "You wanna be in Arkham for Christmas?"

"I wanna be wherever that selfish jerk ain't!" shrieked Harley, throwing a finger at the Joker. "He don't love me!"

"Shut up, you dumb blonde, and come with me now, or you'll blow this whole operation!" shouted Joker.

"Harley, now is not the time to discuss whether the clown loves you or not!" shouted Ivy, trying to pull her toward the door. "But for the record, he doesn't!"

"Apologize right now, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, facing him with her arms folded across her chest.

"Apologize for what?" he snapped. "For busting everyone outta here?! I ain't gonna do that – I'm a generous guy, and I make no apologies for it."

An alarm suddenly blared through the asylum. "No more time to argue, toots, we're getting outta here!" shouted Joker, grabbing Harley around the waist and throwing her over his shoulder.

"Mr. J! Mr. J! Put me down right now! Put me down!" screamed Harley, pounding her fists against his back as he raced down the hall, the alarm blaring.

"Just calm down, kid…ow!" he shouted, as Harley kicked him in the chest. "It's for your own good! Anyway, I ain't cooking Christmas dinner myself! And think of the babies!"

Harley stopped struggling. "I guess we'll stay together for now," she muttered. "For the sake of the babies. But you'd better shape up, Mr. J!"

"Not a problem, baby," retorted Joker, firing his gun at the guards blocking their exit. "I'm a changed man, I swear it. No more senseless violence or cruel jokes, no siree."

He took a moment to beat a guard's head in with the butt of the gun. "I knew the guards here had thick skulls!" he chuckled as he headed out the door into the freshly fallen snow. "Aw, what a Christmas morning, Harley girl! It's gonna be a great day, I can feel it!"

"Me too, puddin'," purred Harley, who had been turned on by the beating and was now cuddling against him. "I love Christmas. And a happy guy like you knows how to celebrate the holiday season better than anyone."

"I do, Harley girl," agreed Joker, beaming in pride at the dead bodies strewn around the lobby. "May that be truly said of us, and all of us!"

He raced out the door, then popped his head back into the asylum, winked at no one in particular and added, "And God bless us, every one!"

**The End**


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